Remus' Private Despair
by Accio-Amy
Summary: An in depth look at Remus post-Potter's death.
1. Chapter 1

Remus' life came to a halt the night of the Potter's deaths_. _The moment Remus Lupin heard of Lily and James Potter's death he went searching for Sirius Black, of course he didn't find him but instead heard of his arrest and the death of Peter Pettigrew. Before he could even start to mourn the death of Lily and James or Peter, Lupin went to Dumbledore. By using the secret entrances that were specifically made for him, Lupin made it onto the grounds of Hogwarts and walked straight to the headmaster's office. Barging in, the first thing he noticed was the deadness of the office. When he was at Hogwarts there was always a buzzing and liveliness in Dumbledore's study but today it was dark and dreary. The second thing he did was half-heartedly search for Harry. He had heard the rumors that Harry had lived but it was hard to imagine the little boy without his parents. Before Remus could start saying anything Dumbledore, who was sitting at his desk with his head bowed over his hands as if praying, spoke, "Harry is safe, Remus. Sirius is..." Dumbledore couldn't say the words, he just shook his head. Remus broke down, he couldn't accept that his best friend had betrayed everyone. He had felt so much pain in his life but this was the worst pain he had ever endured. For the next hour Remus sat in a crumpled pile on the office floor, weeping. When he couldn't seem to do it anymore Remus rose up and said "I want to take care of Harry." Dumbledore examined him for a minute and then spoke "I personally delivered the boy to a safe place. He needs to stay where he is, it's the only option." Remus had always been respectful toward Dumbledore, he was always the first to apologize for a prank gone too far. He would stand silently while James and Sirius argued with Dumbledore, but Remus owed so much to the man that he could never be angry with him, until this moment when, respectfully, he disagreed "Harry needs to be with someone that loves him, I'm the only one that's left. I don't know where you could've taken him but I promise he is not as safe as he would be with me." Dumbledore did not have time to care about feelings, he had been awake for days and was blaming himself for the death of the two Potters as well as Pettigrew. So without thinking he said "What do you expect to do on full moons? Do you think you can keep the boy safe when you can't control yourself? You have to let it be, you won't be good for the child." Dumbledore had never been harsh about his problem, he had been accepting and understanding. Dumbledore had stuck his neck out for Remus before he even knew him but now in Remus' darkest hour Dumbledore was turning his back on him. Remus felt sick, he left without another word.


	2. Chapter 2

He went to the Shrieking Shack and sat thinking of his friends. He was alone. He thought of the years he had spent without friends before he came to Hogwarts, he felt alone but not like this. There was a different between the loneliness you feel when you have never had anyone and the loneliness you feel when you have lost everyone.

When had Sirius changed? He was the most loyal person Remus had ever met. Sirius was the first one to figure out Remus' condition. He remembered sitting in the dormitory when Sirius came in and demanded to be bitten. Remus had been dumbfounded but Sirius was sure he was right. Obviously he denied it but Sirius was relentless explaining that they could turn together and be their own pack. Remus quickly realized that the nights he had laid awake imagining the day his friends would find out had been pointless. Sirius didn't want to condemn Remus or drop him as a friend, if anything Sirius was jealous of him for being different. Remus made it clear he would not turn Sirius and Sirius agreed to keep quiet about the secret. Soon after James figured it out and came up with the Animagus idea, which after three years finally worked.

From that time on every full moon was spent in the Shrieking Shack. Remus recalled the first full moon the four of them spent together. Before that night Remus would wake up and look around at the mess his wolf had made and be disgusted, but the first night the four of them woke up, Sirius looked around and laughed. James quickly said "Looks like we missed quite a rager." Remus had never seen anything funny about the damage he did but with his friends there he couldn't help laughing and soon all four boys were in hysterics. His friends made what always seemed like a burden an adventure. His happiness was because of them and now he didn't know how he could go on.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few weeks were the worst of his life. He stayed in The Shrieking Shack contemplating everything. He blamed Lily and James for being so outwardly rebellious, he blamed Peter for deciding to be brave, for first time in his life, only to get blown to bits, but most of all he blamed Sirius. Sirius was his rock. Sirius was the first person Remus had ever felt a bond with. Sirius was the only person who could convey the whereabouts of the Potters. So in the previous months Remus had sat with Sirius many nights, talking, but most of the time just sitting in silence. Sirius had asked him to stay with him in case Death Eaters or Voldemort in the flesh came to question him. He led him to believe that he didn't want to go through it alone. Remus couldn't comprehend how terrified Sirius must've been, he was always up for a fight and never asked for help but this situation was different. He said he could only imagine the things the Death Eaters had up their sleeves. Now Remus realized that Sirius was not scared of the Death Eaters but of the news of his betrayal and the backlash that would surely come. Remus realized that Sirius didn't want his comfort but his protection, he had expected Remus to defend his best friend, which he was fully prepared to do but Peter found him first and with Peter's death, Sirius' true loyalty was confirmed. Remus realized that he was not Sirius' rock, just a part of the plan.


End file.
